Testing the Waters
by GHScheer90
Summary: edward has left and Bella has moved on from Edward, even Jacob. She now has a new life filled with guy after guy.  Jacob/Bella/Other character    Based off of Thinking of You by Katy Perry
1. You said move on, where do I go?

It has been a little over a year since Edward has left and Bella has MOVED on, or so she thinks. She is running from any form of true love, and running to any available guy. This means even pushing away Jacob. But after a shocking turn of events, Bella is forced to come to terms with the fact the Edward is gone and she is not over him. Based on Katy Perry's song "Thinking of You" BXJ BXOC BXE No smut or lemons, but it is insinuated.

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><p>1. You said move on, where do I go?<p>

26 months. 2 weeks. 2 days.

That's how long it had been since he left. I had given up all hope that he would come back. Why would he? Even if he did, would he still have wanted me after everything I had done? After everyone I had done.

It wasn't originally supposed to be like that. My plan to get better had gone terribly wrong. I was actually doing much better with the help of my personal sun - Jacob. He had helped me so much. I was even starting to fall for him until I ruined it. Of course Jacob didn't look at it that way. He thought that he had ruined it himself. But how could it have been Jacob's fault? He was my sun, my air. All he said was those three simple words that were universally spoken daily. Those three words that changed my life completely. Three words that broke me down and made me run and never stop running. __I____love____you.__

Those words became the death of me. I couldn't bear to hear them. I didn't deserve to hear them. I didn't deserve love. If I did he never would have left me in the forest broken, unwanted, and unloved. If I truly deserved love, then I would be with him.

But I didn't deserve love. That was why I was laying in bed next to some random guy I had met the night before named Ryan-I couldn't remember his name- staring at a poster of scantily clad girls all over some rapper. I was no better than those girls were;I just didn't have a poster to prove it. Instead, I had my pathetic reputation of being the slut to show the world who I was. Unloved? Check. Broken? Check. Unwanted? Countless nights like this one would prove otherwise.

Ryan-?- stirred next to me as the early morning light shined on his toned tan back. He was not as built as Jacob and definitely not as beautiful as Ed- him, but he would do for the moment.

I knew that I better leave before he woke up. This was my routine. Run before they could say anything. Run before they could make any faulty promises. Run before I got hurt. Run. Just like he did all those months ago.

I slipped out of the bed to pull my jeans back on. I had found my bra and shirt and was almost done with my last button when Ryan-I really should have figured out his name- put his arm around my waist in an attempt to pull me back into his bed.

"Leaving without saying goodbye?" he asked lazily with a lame smile on his face.

I hated this part. I never knew what to say. Thus, I made up a pathetic excuse.

"Yeah. I have an early class."

"Oh. Well last night was amazing! When am I going to see you again? Maybe we can grab lunch after my class-" he started to say, but I interrupted before I was tied to him anymore.

"Actually, I'm pretty busy today. But I'll see you around campus or something!" I tried to be cheerful with that last line.

"See you later Ryan!" I said as I grabbed my purse and headed out the door.

"My name is Micheal!" he cried out as I shut the door and hurried down the hallway.

__Like____I____care. __I thought to myself as I made my way out of Mercers Hall.

I walked quickly through the University of Washington's campus. I was in my freshman year here studying Pre-Law. The old Bella would have studied Literature, but the new Bella didn't enjoy reading anymore. There was hardly any of the old me left. The old me was desperately tried to hold onto the power of love. But not now. Now I had found a new power - lust. I definitely used this power frequently. I now dressed in the most figure flattering way as possible; I had to use this as part of my power. I had to be desirable to everyone, not just mythical creatures. I even started to work out and tan, furthering myself as much as possible from the old naive Bella.

As I got back to my room, my roommate Ashley was just getting out of bed. She gave me a sly look as I put my purse down and started putting my shower stuff together.

"So who was it this night? A football player? A med student? Or are you back on the artsy guy phase? I really am sick of going to those poetry readings with you. They're so pretentious!"

Ashley droned on some more about how awful poetry readings are and how horrible skinny jeans look on guys. She was so much like Jessica that I wanted to shoot myself sometimes, but the new Bella hung out with girls like this on a regular basis. It was all part of my new power.

When I came back to the room after my shower, I checked my cell for any new text messages. Most of them were from other guys like Ryan-I mean Micheal- who wanted to hang out, but one message made me stop and re-read.

**_**Bells!**_****_**Come **_****_**home **_****_**now! **_****_**Charlie **_****_**is **_****_**in **_****_**the **_****_**hospital. **_****_**I've **_****_**been **_****_**trying **_****_**to **_****_**call **_****_**you **_****_**all **_****_**night. **_****_**Please **_****_**call **_****_**me **_****_**as **_****_**soon **_****_**as **_****_**you **_****_**get **_****_**this.**_** **_**Jake**_**

I punched in Jacob's number furiously with my hot pink manicured nails.

"Bella!" Jacob picked up on the second ring. He must have waited for me to call.

"Why didn't you pick up your phone? I've been calling you all night!" Jake yelled into the phone.

Of course I wasn't about to tell him why I hadn't paid attention to my phone last night, so I directed the conversation to the real reason I had called.

"What's going on with Charlie?" I demanded.

"He had a heart attack last night while he was at the Clearwater's house. He was rushed to the emergency room. He had to have triple bypass surgery. You need to come home now. He just got out of surgery, and now he is in the ICU." Jacob said in a very defeated tone.

I knew he really cared about Charlie, maybe even more than I did.

"Okay. I'm coming right now."

I grabbed some clothes and stuffed them in my duffel bag. I ran all the way to my car, jumped in, and headed to the one place I never planned to return - Forks.


	2. I picked the ripest one

2. I Picked the Ripest One I Still Got the Seed

While I drove to the hospital, I couldn't help but reflect on the last time I was in Forks.

It was the end of my senior year. Summer had finally begun. Jacob Black and I had been together since spring break. Our relationship was easy and carefree. We spent our days hanging out at each others houses or simply walking hand in hand at First Beach.

Victoria was defeated thanks to the pack of werewolves that occupied the reservation. This particular night, Jake and I lounged on the Beach gazing at the stars which was a rare sight in normally overcast Forks. I was laying across my personal werewolf. His strong warm arms were wrapped around me shielding the cool nighttime breeze. My head was resting on his chiseled chest and my legs were curled in a ball nuzzled into his side to take in the maximum amount of his insane body heat. I let out a soft sigh. I was content like this. My own space heater. A soft breeze made my long hair whip around my face. Jake tightened his hold and kissed my hair.

"You're so beautiful,"he whispered in my ear.

His warm breath tingled against my ear as his lips lingered there. Chills ran up my body.

I rolled over to kiss the closest part of him next to my lips. I journeyed up his mountainous shoulders with my lips until I found the peak, his soft pink lips. I kissed them lightly and whispered in between kisses, "You too, soft of."

He laughed at our private joke. He had never let me live down the fact that I had once said he was "sort of beautiful." His deep chuckle caused his body to vibrate underneath me. He kissed me back with understated passion. After a few minutes of his delicate kisses, he stopped and stared into my eyes with a look of deep concentration. The look was a mix of uncertainty and devotion. In that moment I lost track of time. I forgot my own name. All I knew was if Jake were to leave me I wouldn't be able to go on. My already broken heart could not break anymore.

After he had stared at me adoringly, he said the words that brought me back to the real world.

"I love you, Bella," he spoke while staring into the depths of my soul.

I stiffened when I heard those words. The last time someone said that to me, he left and took my heart withhim. He took my heart and my love and smashed it. Every dream I had, every beautiful moment I had with himwas shattered. Those three words became a curse, not a blessing once he added four more words to them - __I____don't____want____you__.

When Jacob had told me he loved me, it had brought all the scenes back to the viewing screen of my mind only this time it was worse because I didn't want any of those scenes to reoccur with a new leading man. I had to place some kind of hold on Jacob so that he would not leave. The only thing that he and I had never attempted might keep Jake with me.

I threw myself at him and started kissing him with all the passion I could muster. He surprised underneath me since I had never kissed him like that before, but he soon matched my intensity. My arms were locked around his neck and my fingers were clenched in his hair. I straddled him and kept him pinned on the ground. I then began to move hands up and down his bare chest. I moved my hands further down until they were trailing the top of his pants. I started to unbutton his pants to make my intentions clear. He let out a moan and griped my hands together in his.

"Bella, no. We can't do this yet. We're not ready. You're not ready," he said in a jagged breath. He had put an emphasis on the last part.

I immediately had pulled myself off of him and turned away. I willed myself not to cry in front of him, yet the hot tears were already flowing down my face that had to be redder than a sun riped tomato. He then sat up too and tried to embrace me, but I shook his arms off.

"What's the matter Bells? Why are you crying?" he said in a concerned but perplexed tone. He truly sounded worried about me. Typical Jake. But I couldn't let him win. The gaping hole inside of me was starting to hurt. I had to have him with me.

"How do you know I'm not ready?" I shrieked at him. "You say I'm not ready for this, but you think I'm ready for you to say I love you?" I was on my knees then trembling in front of him with the intensity of my pain which was making me irrationally angry.

"Bella. I meant what I said. I love you more than anything in the world! You should know this by now! I want to do this with you, but I know you are not ready because you're not over him." he spoke with passion yet sad eyes.

"I am trying! I really am trying to get over him. That's why I want to do this with you! I AM READY!"

"That's why we will not do this. When we make love, I want you to be completely over him, not doing it to get over him. It will only end up hurting us both if we do it before then," Jacob said with complete assurance in what he had explained.

This is when the voices in my head started to debate. One voice completely agreed with him, while another voice was still shriveled up in the pain of rejection. But there was a new voice that I had never heard before. This voice was not going to let down. It needed the assurance that I would not be left again. This voice, which was growing louder and more aggressive, decided that I absolutely had to get this assurance or I would get hurt again. It was not going to let that happen to me again.

During my wavering, Jacob had tried again to pull me in his arms, but I pulled away with so much force that his eyes went wide in surprise.

"I love you Bella. I want you to love me too." He whispered and hung his head. He sounded so vulnerable and afraid.

The voices had begun again. One voice said,

"__Go into his arms and tell him you love him too,"__

__while another voice whispered, "__What____about ___him?___Don't____you____still____love ___him__?_" But I listened to the new voice that was demanding dominance in my life. It boomed,

"**_**The only leaving that is going to happen is going to be YOU! Run before he leaves you too.**_**"

I jumped to my feet and yelled right in his face.

"Bella! You don't believe th-,"Jacob had started to say as not only his hands trembled, but his voice too.

I wouldn't let him finish. I took off running to my truck. I had so much adrenaline in me that I had hardly tripped over the bumpy surface. I finally reached my truck. I threw the door open and jumped inside. My hand was shaking so badly that I dropped my keys twice while trying to start the engine. It roared to life on the third attempt. I had thrust the gear into reverse and pulled out when I realized that Jacob had not caught up with me. I glanced in my rear view mirror and saw a reddish brown wolf racing to the forest and denim cloth scattered along the beach.

__Unwanted.____Unwanted.____Unwanted.____Unwanted.__

That was the statement that was playing in loop in my mind. The road was becoming a blur as my tears poured down my face. I didn't know where I was driving to. I couldn't go home and let Charlie see me like this. He would think that I was going insane again. In a way, I was going insane. However, I wasn't going back to my previous catatonic state. Instead I was going in a new sort of frenzy. This insanity was making me want to prove that I could be wanted and desirable. There was no possible way that someone could be as unwanted and unloved as I was feeling. It was impossible.

The aggressive voice from before started to shout again.

"**_**Honestly **_********_**Bella!**_********_**You **_********_**need **_********_**to **_********_**snap **_********_**out **_********_**of **_********_**it!**_********_**Show **_********_**Jacob **_********_**what **_********_**he's **_********_**missing. **_********_**Show **_****_him _****_**what **_********_**he **_********_**left **_********_**behind. **_********_**Show **_********_**the **_********_**world **_********_**that **_********_**Bella **_********_**Swan **_********_**is **_********_**desirable **_********_**to **_********_**humans **_********_**too,**_********_**not **_********_**just **_********_**mythical **_********_**creatures!"**_**

A plan had begun to formulate in my brain. I needed to find someone who wanted me. Someone who would give me what I wanted. As I drove through Forks, I spotted the diner where everyone hung out from school. I pulled into the first available spot and cut the engine. I looked into my mirror and almost backed out of my plan when I saw my reflection. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy. My hair was windblown, and my clothes were disheveled.

_Yes, I am very desirable looking like this!_ I thought sarcastically to myself and let a sound that was a cross between a grunt and a laugh.

I fished through my purse and found the small compact of powder Renee had given me for graduation. She also had given me mascara, which I didn't even use back then. I powdered my face in a swift aggressive movement. I then cloaked my eyelashes with mascara. I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked better, but my eyes were still a little red. I sucked in a deep breath and opened my truck door.

The diner was packed with people I recognized from school. My eyes were scanning the crowd for someone I at least talked to on a daily basis, when I spotted Tyler Crowley sitting with a group of various popular people. At that moment he saw me and waved me over to his table. My instincts were telling me to turn around and run out as fast as I could, but my new nature was compelling me forward.

"**_**Don't **_********_**run **_********_**away **_********_**now! **_********_**This **_********_**is **_****_**exactly **_********_**what **_********_**you **_********_**need. **_********_**He **_********_**wants **_********_**you. **_********_**Look **_********_**at **_********_**that **_********_**smile!**_**" the voice inside of me squealed in delight.

I lifted my shoulders, forced a smile on my face, and pushed forward to my target. I walked confidently forward. I was surprised on how gracefully I was walking, when my body crashed my hopes. My foot got caught on the edge of someone's chair sending me falling forward into Tyler's lap!

"Whoa! Hey there Bella!" Tyler laughed as he held me in his arms. He looked like he waiting for me to blush and run away.

I couldn't turn into shy Bella now. This would put him in control. I had to be the one in control. I then quickly thought about what those seductive girls in cheesy teen movies would say.

"Perfect landing," I said as seductively as I could. I batted my eyelashes for the added effect. It must have worked, because Tyler's eyes went wide and he then blushed.

"Uh...yeah...sure...I mean...yeah," Tyler stuttered and looked away in embarrassment.

The table erupted in laughter at Tyler's lack of coherent thought. I then got out of his lap and sat in the booth next to him. I noticed that other six people in the booth were mostly boys. I recognized one of them as Conner, Lauren's on again off again boyfriend. The others were all the athletic type that normally ignored me at school. The only other girls were two juniors, but I couldn't remember their names. They were busy flirting with the boys they were sitting next to. I took note of the way they would giggle and flip their hair when one the boys would say something funny.

I incorporated their skills when Tyler would tell me a lame joke or a pointless story. I let my hand rest on his shoulder and acted like I was only interested in what he was saying and nothing else. If I wanted to say something to him I would lean into him and let my hair fall into his face. I felt ridiculous, but Tyler ate up every pathetic attempt of flirting I dished out.

The diner was about to close, when Tyler said everyone could come back to his house since his parents were out of town. He had made a point of directing his words more to me than to everyone else.

Most of the others had other plans, so that left me.

"So, do you want to come over Bella?" he said as he faced me in the parking lot. " I just got Quantum of Solace on DVD. We could watch that if you want to..." he continued to ramble on about the movie, but I was sidetracked by a large russet skinned man leaning against his car.

Jacob's arms were crossed over his chest while his lips were pressed in a hard line. His face had the calm mask of detachment except for his eyes which were narrowed at Tyler. My thoughts were warring against each other. I wanted to run to Jacob and forget about everything that happened tonight. I knew that if I went with Tyler everything would change.

"**_**Come on Bella. Remember who wants you and who doesn't**_**,"

the driving voice in my head hissed.

I then knew what I had to do. Everything inside of me was screaming not to except for the most powerful voice that drowned out the others.

I placed my hands on Tyler's shoulders, pulled him close, and then kissed him firmly on the lips.

"I can think of something else I rather do," I whispered and then winked at him.

Tyler's eyes went wide and a large grin spread across his face.

"Uh...yeah...I'm ga-game," Tyler sputtered.

I glanced back at Jacob. His eyes were bugged out of his head and his whole figure was visibly shacking. For a split second, I thought he might phase and rip Tyler's head off. But, instead he ran into the thick grove of trees that edged near the diner. Part of me wanted to fling myself in front of an oncoming train for being such a inconsiderate jerk, but my new way of thinking crushed that plan.

Tyler then escorted me to his car. That night,as we pulled out of the diner parking lot, the fragments of the girl I once had been was left scattered along the asphalt.

The next morning began the downward spiral my life had turned into. I woke up at Tyler's house laying in his bed with our clothes strewn all over his room. I didn't remember much of what had occurred, but the empty condom wrapper confirmed my suspicions. I glanced at the clock and realized that I had never gone home last night. I knew Charlie would be fuming, so I quickly put my clothes back on. I was about to leave when I remembered that Tyler had driven me to his house. I woke him up and demanded that he take me to my truck immediately.

The whole ride to the diner he kept grinning to himself and glancing over at me. I was revulsed. The fact that I had lost my virginity to him made everything much worse. When we finally arrived at the diner, I noticed that my truck was no longer there. I told him to just let me walk home, but he insisted on driving me home.

As we pulled up to my house, I saw my truck parked in the driveway. Charlie must have gotten it from the diner. Right on cue, he burst through the door and bounded down the steps.

__Crap.__ I thought to myself.

"ISABELLA MARIE SWAN! GET OUT HERE THIS SECOND!" Charlie was bright red and fuming as he yelled at me.

"I guess that's my cue to leave," I said while I grimaced at Charlie.

"Okay. I'll call you later then," Tyler smiled and leaned in to kiss me on the cheek.

"Don't. I'll just see you around town or something," I patted his hand, then got out of the car to face Charlie.

I strode pass Charlie and went into the house without even acknowledging his presence. I went into the kitchen and got out a soda. I opened the can, took a sip, and looked up at Charlie who was turning purple in the doorway.

"Yes?" I asked in a uninterested tone. I knew Charlie did not deserve this kind of attitude, but my new attitude was in charge.

"WHAT...HOW...WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO ACT like THAT YOUNG LADY?"

He sputtered and threw his hands in the air. "Do you have any idea how worried I was about you? You didn't call or anything! I called Billy to see if he knew where you and Jake were, and he said Jake was asleep in his room! I called everyone of your friends, all of which hadn't seen you since graduation. I drove all over town and then I saw your truck parked at the diner! I would have filed a missing person report, but Jacob showed up and said you went home with someone. I took you truck home thinking you were at a friend's house and would call later. But then, this morning when I heard a car pull up I saw you were with TYLER CROWLEY! DID YOU SPEND THE NIGHT AT HIS HOUSE?" Charlie never spoke like this to me. I was so annoyed that I didn't even care that he had spent the night worrying about me.

"So what if I did? I'm 18 now. Who cares where I slept last night!" I shouted at him. I smashed the can on the counter and ran up the stairs to my room. But Charlie was right behind me.

"Bella! What is going on? One minute you and Jake are the perfect couple and the next you're coming home with TYLER CROWLEY! You gotta explain this one to me. What happened between you and Jake?" Charlie asked much calmer then. His face was its normal coloring and he was sitting at my desk. His elbows were propped on his knees, while his brow was furrowed waiting for an explanation for my erratic behavior.

"There is no Jake and me anymore! If I want to be with someone else, then I will be with someone else!" I threw myself on the bed and buried my head in my pillow. I thought this would throw Charlie since he hated emotional outbursts, so I was surprised when he sat on my bed and placed his hand on my back.

"I think you are confused, Bells," he said in an awkward yet soothing voice. "Jake cares about you. You should have seen his face when he met me at the diner. He was really torn up about something."

I knew that I had hurt Jake deeply, but I want to think about that. I was done letting boys play on my emotions to get what they wanted. __I__ was going to be the one in control from now on.

"Dad, Jake and I are over! I'm moving on and I'm done with this conversation! I'm sorry that I didn't call last night, but I'm eighteen now and going to college in a few weeks. You really don't have a say in my love life anymore." I jumped off the bed, grabbed some clothes and headed to the shower.

I left Charlie speechless and sitting on my bed with his mouth wide open.

BEEP! BEEP!

The sound of a horn blowing pulled me out of my reverie. I realized that the light I was at had turned green. I pressed the gas and pulled forward. Nothing on this road had changed since I had last driven on the opposite side leaving everything behind. The scenery was still exactly the same. The roads were still slick from the never-ending rainfall. The lush green forest still loomed on either side of the streets as my truck chugged by. I passed the Newton's Sporting Goods store. I was back in Forks.

I couldn't help but think about how different I was from my first day here. In college, I had become the typical wild party girl stereotype. I went to so many parties that I had to get a Blackberry to keep track of all them. I had become a professional partier. I drank enough to get me buzzed, but never to get drunk. I never wanted to lose my control.

I was confident, independent, and outgoing. I even looked different. I was still thin, but now I was toned. I had dyed my hair to a golden blonde color, but I still kept my hair long and wavy. I didn't want to look in a mirror and remember what I used to be - naive, shy, and insecure Bella.

I saw the hospital then, and remembered why I was here. Charlie was in the hospital and I had not even seen him since I left Forks. We spoke occasionally on the phone, but still I hadn't been there for him. I started to feel scared that I might lose him. I shook that thought from my head and looked in the mirror to make sure my makeup was in check.

I opened my door and stepped out into the harsh November wind.

__Here we go.__ I thought as I huddled in my pea coat and headed inside. For the first time in two years, I was feeling out of control. I needed to fix that, fast.


	3. He Pulled Me In

3. He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

It felt like an entirely different lifetime the last time I was in this hospital. When he was there, when I cared so deeply about …

"Hmm" I sighed. I couldn't do this to myself. I couldn't focus on the pointless past. I sucked in a deep breath and went through the automatic doors. The waiting room was filled with the pack even their imprints were there. Billy and Sue were there too. But Jacob was missing from this picture of utter embarrassment.

At once they all looked at me. I suddenly felt extremely self conscious. The way they looked at me. SO much judgment in one glance that I almost ran out the door. Instead my new outer confidence took over.

"Hey everyone." I said nervously all my bravado slipping away. "How's Charlie?" Immediately, Sue came up and gave me a hug.

"Bella! We thought you would get here too late!"

"Too late?" I repeated slowly. I couldn't believe that I almost didn't come because of stupid Rodney, or whatever his name was.

"He's having emergency surgery, Bella." She continued cautiously. "They are trying to be optimistic, but it doesn't look good." Her voice cracked in the last line. Her emotions gave way and she started to cry.

I hadn't seen Sue since I left, but I felt oddly moved to comfort her. Inside I was withering in pain. Charlie was in the hospital and it didn't look good. I repeated that phrase over and over in my head. I wanted to run. I wanted to get out of this Pandora's box of memories that the hospital was creating for me. I needed comfort. I needed something...someone...anyone...

"I need to see him," I said in a small ancient Bella voice. I pushed past the various looks of disgust, anger, resentment, and the worst – pity from the various pack members. I hurried down the hall trying not to fall over anything. Of course my luck ran out and I tripped over my own feet I fell in a heap right next to the absolute last person I wanted to see.

"Bella?" His resonance voice rang perfectly clear. My eyes were level with his thick knees at this point. His way too warm and comforting hands picked me up and stared into my eyes. My cold heart melted as I stared into his warm brown eyes. So many emotions flitted into his eyes at the moment. He settled on relief and wrapped his arms around me in a huge bear hug.

I couldn't handle his love. Not right now. This was the last thing I needed. Or maybe it was the very thing I needed, but the last thing I wanted.

"Let go of me," I said in a dark voice.

His arms dropped from me immediately.

"Bells, I just -"

I cut him off. "Where's Charlie?" I asked acidly gripping on my last thread of dignity.

"He's in room 216," he responded in a flat voice. I couldn't let myself think of what emotion he was feeling right then. I just needed to see Charlie.

"Okay, thanks."

I marched off desperately trying to clear my head. Ugh. This hospital was suddenly too big. I could feel his presence behind me.

"Why are you following me? Don't you have somewhere else to be?" I knew my attitude was unnecessary, but I didn't know how to react except for anger.

"I'm exactly where I need to be." he said in a way to sure voice.

How could I be so cruel after everything he had done for me? I quickly dismissed the thought and kept pushing forward. The numbers were getting larger and I finally found his wing- Intensive Care Unit. The sign read way to clearly. I immediately knew how grave the situation was.

I took a deep breath and opened the door.

The scene was so wrong. It should have been entirely flipped flopped. I should have been laying in the hospital bed with Charlie anxiously leaning over me. I gasped and grabbed onto the bed's railing.

"Dad?" I asked in a shaky voice. This pale frail man could not be my father. No, I was in the wrong room. However, Jacob's sigh confirmed the truth.

"He hasn't woken up since the surgery. It was a few hours ago..." he trailed off. I could feel his hand slowly creeping to my shoulder.

"Please Jacob. Not now." Not ever I thought. I couldn't stand being in there. I ran out. I kept running until I found a door to escape to. I crumpled to the floor of the stairwell heaving from the pain. Jacob slowly sat down next to me. I couldn't help it. I leaned into him and started sobbing.

He stroked my hair and held me. I don't know how long we sat like this, but suddenly I realized what I was doing and pulled away.

"What? How are you feeling?" He asked anxiously.

"Like crap." I had to answer him honestly. Jacob knew me too well for me to lie.

" I can't stand it. I can't be here..." I can't be here with you I thought.

"Bells," not that nickname," this is exactly where you need to be right now. Right here with Charlie. With your family, with me..." he trailed off. I looked up to see him looking down at his hands. I couldn't take this. I had to set him straight. Could I really be that harsh after he had just comforted me. I couldn't...

"Jacob...I...it's just that..." And then before I could say anymore his lips were instantly on mine. How I had dreamed so badly for this moment, but I couldn't let this happen again. I was NOT THAT GIRL anymore. Not the girl who would fall hopelessly for a boy. No I had to stop this at once.

"Jacob," I said against his ever moving soft lips," JACOB!" I shrieked. That stopped him. He looked up alert and quivering.

"What happened?" He demanded.

"I can't do THIS!"my voice raising on the last word. "I can't be here with you!" I shot out the words like a dagger in his heart. I could see that he felt every single word. His face drew into a blank hard line.

"Then leave." He said in the most terrifying voice.

"Fine!" I jumped up and ran down the stairs to the exit. I kept running. Running to my car. Running away from every memory I had tried to repress over the last few years. I jumped in my car, threw it into reverse, and drove away. Fast.


	4. I guess second best is all I'll know

4. I guess second best is all I will know...

I didn't know where I was driving to. I was just driving. Past the hospital. Past the Newton's. Past this world. I needed to breathe. Go somewhere without memories.

"Great." I thought out loud. "I'd have to go to LA!"m Thought did sound good until I looked at my gas meter. The gas light was on.

"Ughhhhhhh! This is not my day!" I shouted to no one. I needed gas and I was far past any gas station. Then the worst happened. My car stopped.

"No! No! No!" Not now. This was the last thing I needed. I should have stayed. Stayed in the hospital with Charlie. Stayed with the comforting thought of the wolves as my family. Stayed with my Jacob...

I put my flashers on and waited for a plan to form.

Who could I call? There was no way I would call Jake, even though he would come instantly. I needed someone different. Someone who wouldn't try to comfort me.

This was so dumb. I should just swallow my pride and call Jacob. Instead I did the unthinkable.

"Bella! I can't believe you called me! I haven't seen you in what, two years? How are you!"

"I'm okay Mike." Yes I had sank low enough to call Mike Newton of all people. Where was my life headed? I was definitely losing it.

"Well what's up? Are you in town? You want to meet up are something?"

"Actually I need a little favor. My car ran out of gas and I'm stuck right outside of town near um hmph -the Cullen's place. Can you come get me?" I pleaded unleashing the full power of my persuasive power.

"Sure!" He said breathlessly. "I'll be right there!"

The whole ride back to Forks, Mike talked endlessly about his trivial life. He was going to community college and had taken over his parent's store as manager. I laughed and smiled at all the appropriate parts. This was ridiculous. Why was I with Newton of all people?

"Bella, Bella? Where am I taking you?" He asked pulling me out of my reverie.

"Oh yeah." I couldn't think of anywhere I could go but the inevitable.

"Could you take me to the hospital?"

"What? Why? Are you hurt?" Mike asked suspicously.

"No,but Charlie is there."

"Oh no Bella! I'm so sorry! I'll go with you."

The thought of Mike Newton at the hospital was certainly the last idea I would have thought of, but him there would definitely make Jacob leave me alone.

"Okay thanks. That would help a lot." Sure it would. I'd probably cause Jacob to change right there in the hospital.

"What happened to him?"

"He had a heartattack," I said flatly.

"Oh I'm so sorry Bella. Is there anything else I can do?"

I turned to him and unleashed my power, "just you being there is enough."

He blushed and looked away.

By the time we got back to the hospital everyone was engaged in their own activities. Some eating, some playing cards. Jacob , Sue, and Billy were the only ones missing. I knew something was wrong. I panicked and grabbed Mike's hand.

"Bella!" Seth ran up to me the halted when he saw my hand in Mike's. Mike was just as surprised by the sudden change.

"Charlie's awake. He's asking for you." Seth said quietly.

"Thanks! Let's go, Mike." I pulled him in the direction of Charlie's room.

" Are you okay Bella?" Mike said looking way to content but at the same time curious with the gesture.

"I just needed a hand to hold," I laughed lightly. "Thanks." I said flashing him a big smile.

"Su-sure" he stammered.

When we got to the room, I suddenly felt the same overwhelming feeling I felt before. I knew I would be faced with the worst two feelings – the pain of seeing Jacob hurt and the agony of seeing Charlie in the hospital again. I gripped Mike's hand tightly. He gave me a reassuring squeeze and we walked in.

"Bella," My dad said softly. Immediately Billy, Sue , and Jacob looked up. I ignored Jacob's shocked face and walked towards the bed.

"Dad. I missed you so much! I'm so glad you are awake." I looked at him tenderly as tears fell. I leaned in and kissed his cheek.

"Bells, I missed you too. But don't go crying over me. I'm busting out of this place. Ain't that right Billy?"

Billy chuckled, " That's right! You can't be trapped in here. I won't allow it!"

Jacob was still gawking at my hand in Mike's. I quickly dropped it and looked away but I could still feel his eyes boring into me.

"Well when do you get out,Dad?"

" I'm actually heading out in about three days! Well sorry son, I didn't even see you over there. How's it going Mike..." My dad trailed off as he realized how confusing it was that Mike was there.

I answered his silent question. "Mike was helping me out. My car stopped and he gave me a ride."

I heard Jacob mutter something unintelligible under his breath. I couldn't hold in my anger.

"What was that Jacob?" I demanded as my hands bawled into fists.

"Nothing." he said looking away.

Mike cleared his throat to ease the tension. "I'm doing great Charlie. Sorry about you being in here and all. I'm just looking after Bella while you recover. You know she can always use some help."He laughed gently.

"Hmph." Jacob muttered again.

"I can't believe you are a blonde now Bella! I guess it matches your personality, now doesn't it?" Charlie joked changing the subject.

I rolled my eyes."So three days? What are you doing after that?"

"Um going home. I'll be out of work a few weeks, but I'll back up on my feet in no time. No need to worry." Charlie said reassuringly.

"You are not staying alone Dad."

"I'll have Billy and Sue. Don't worry about it Bells. Go back to school as soon as you can. I don't want you to get behind."

"Dad, school can wait. I'm staying here until you get better. Nothing more to say."

"Yeah she should stay Charlie. I can help out to if you need me too." Mike piped in.

"We don't need your help. We can take care of him just fine without you Newton." Jake exclaimed with acid dripping into his voice. His hands were quivering and his face was tense.

The room grew very still. All you could hear was Charlie's heart monitor beeping.

"Maybe you two should take this outside," Sue said warily.

I didn't want to upset Charlie, but I didn't want to face Jacob again.

"Yeah we do need to clear up some things. Bella?"' Jacob said much more smoothly.

He gestured to the hall and walked out the room. I stalked out the room not looking at anyone.

Jacob closed the door behind me.

"Mike Newton. Really? That's the best you could do? I'm surprised you didn't call your bloodsucker." Jacob said icily. His hands were still shaking. That was a low blow. I felt the ripping in my stomach begin again. Fine two could play that game.

"What's it to you? You told me to leave anyway. So I left and Mike found me. Mike's a good friend to help me out like that." My arms were folded and I was staring at the wall behind me. I couldn't look at him. Not when he was acting like this.

"Seriously Bells, is this how you are going to play me? Going to run after any available guy while I wait in the wings? That's just cruel and you know that."

I did know that. But that was the game I played. I played it well too.

" Who cares what I do! You aren't my boyfriend. You aren't even my friend! You don't have a say anymore."

"Bella," Jacob whispered. I could hear his voice cracking. I had to look up now. I was surprised to see his tough bravado gone. He was crying.

What was I doing? How could I do this to the one I really cared about more than anyone in the world? Ugh I can't think like that! Out of my brain! I knew I couldn't refer to Jacob that way anymore. New Bella cared for no one. Not even myself...

"Bella," he continued whispering now,"I love you. I always have and I always will. No matter what. You know this. You feel the same way about me still. I can tell. And even though you don't even care about yourself anymore. I see right through you. I know you better than anyone. Why are you doing this to me? All I've ever done is love you and you keep throwing it away. Bella, Bella look at me!"

I refused to turn my head so he grabbed my face in between in his hands so I was forced to look at him in the eyes. My lip began to quiver. I couldn't look back at him. So I closed my eyes.

"See! I knew it. It's there Bella. It's still there. Down behind the fake tan and golden hair is my Bella. My Bells. The real caring Bella with a heart of gold. Please don't lose that. Even if I lose you, don't lose your heart."

I took a deep breath and pulled out the dagger. I had to set this straight before I got hurt anymore.

"My heart died a long time ago Jacob. When it died, everything about me died with it." I opened my eyes with all the pain I felt in my long gone heart.

"Please Bella. Give me a chance to put the pieces back together. I did it before, let me do it again." He sid pleading now. I could see the desperation in his eyes. He was leaning in now eyes closed but lips resolved on touching mine.

I had to do it. I couldn't feel anymore.

"Jacob. I. Do. Not. Love. You," I said punctuating each word. " Not now. Not ever. I don't believe in love. Now let me go before we both get hurt."

At once he dropped his hands. He gave me a look I had never seen on anyone before. That look was so familiar though. It was what I looked like when _he_left.

I turned and walked back in the room knowing he wouldn't follow me. Not now. Maybe not ever again.


End file.
